I’ve started this blog a few times and can’t seem to find the right words. It’s going to be a big ol’ dose of vulnerability.
I have been learning what it looks like to try new things and take risks. I have been in a season of learning what in the world it actually means to be a dream chaser.
When I think of chasing dreams I think of the hipster Instagram posts with the perfect coffee from the coffee shop someone created. I think of the aesthetically pleasing family with all the matching clothes and being super fashionable and somehow they are stay at home parents that can afford all those cool, fancy things. I think of the couple that travels around the world seeing all of the cool sites and eating at all of the best brunch locations.
Isn’t that probably what we all think? Don’t we just assume that our dreams will all the sudden make an Instagram profile worthy of millions of followers? I think we sometimes forget the whole “chasing” part.
One thing those profiles probably don’t show is the hard work and failures it took to get to where they are. I am certain that creating a coffee shop is hard work. I am more certain that having a family is even harder work no matter how hip and fashionable they are. I am also certain that keeping up that cool account while chasing dreams is just icing on the cake of the difficulty. So, in the name of being transparent, honest and vulnerable, welcome to my process of thoughts over the last week.
I have taken up skateboarding in the last month or so as an attempt to chase after some things the Lord has put in my life. I am learning what it is to have dreams and then make them happen and I figured I would start small and by small I mean going after the one on my list that is “always prove to myself that I am brave”. I have learned that bravery takes risk. Risk of hurt. Risk of failure. Risk of falling. I have learned that without chasing down this one dream, I can’t chase all of the others because chasing dreams takes bravery.
To make a long story short, I was skateboarding on Friday and got going a little fast and became super wobbly. I thought for sure I was going to crash so I went ahead and just jumped off like I had done multiple times before. This one particular time my foot planted and my knee kept moving. I felt a pop and immediately thought I would throw up and pass out at the same time.
I’m not sure if kidney stones are worse or not but if you’ve had those then you have somewhat of a glimpse into the pain this was.
From day to day I could still feel that it was hurting but it wasn’t unbearable. I realized that I am leaving for India in a week and decided I should get it checked out just in case. As you can probably guess, my doctor is 95% sure that I have torn my ACL. We are waiting to get an MRI to know for sure but right now that’s the potential diagnosis.
I was shocked.
Enter all the thoughts of pain, weakness, insecurity.
I don’t really know where I am going with this blog other than to say that I just came plummeting into a new season. One that is going to have to take a whole lot of determination and self discipline but also a whole lot of dependence on Jesus.
My immediate thought when the doctor told me the news was “my legs aren’t strong enough to handle this.” Being home from the field and trying to get into rhythm and routine in real life has been quite the struggle. My legs are not what they were before I left on the World Race. My body isn’t what it was. I don’t say that for sympathy or to paint my last two years in a bad light. I say it because it’s the reality of the inner struggle that is currently happening. What I am quickly realizing about this injury, and it’s only been a week since I got hurt, is that it is more of an emotional journey than it is the physical one. At least right now that is what it’s all about.
Learning to fight to not let it be an excuse. To push through the pain. To choose joy and praise. To know that chasing dreams is always, always worth the hurt that may come. I keep thinking “why did I go just one more time down that hill?” and “oh, if I would have done things differently” but let’s be honest. I would do it all again right now because bravery is worth it.
I am sure that you are all wondering if I’m still going to India.
After a phone call with my doctor, wise counsel above me and chatting with a few people who have either torn their ACL or who are physical therapists and have dealt with this a lot, I’ve decided to make the trip to India and to spend the full 3 weeks there. I know, you might think that’s pretty silly and that I should take care of myself better. From what I’m being told, a lot of people don’t even have surgery to fix their ACL and just live without it. If it is in fact torn, I will definitely opt into the surgery because ya girl likes running and playing too much to not have strength back in my knee. We will cross that bridge when it comes and for now I will be getting on a plane next Wednesday to spend time with my beautiful squad who is finishing up their journey so, so soon and I have a lot of feelings about that in general. I know it’s not going to be an easy trip but I also know the Lord has called me back to India for the 3rd year in a row and I don’t want to miss whatever He has for me there. I also know and believe that His power is made perfect in weakness. I haven’t always been excited for India but over the last 48 hours I have learned what it is to fight to go where the Lord is asking even if it’s a place that you don’t particularly like. I do promise I will not play any ultimate frisbee or soccer while there!
I am so, so thankful for all of you that have been following my journey. Your constant prayers and encouragement mean the world to me.
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