Normal is Overrated

I have been living in Georgia now for about 5 months. I can’t believe that it has been that long since I stepped off a plane and into the job I accepted while I was in Africa. To say that this transition has been easy would be quite the lie that was told. It has actually been one of the hardest seasons and I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago when I came into our Monday morning meeting with my department and I said “I don’t know how I’m doing and I don’t really know what Jesus is speaking to me.”

It’s like in that moment something in me broke. Something in me felt safe enough with my people to not pretend that everything was okay. It’s not that I had been pretending before but it’s that I didn’t give this transition the weight that it deserved in my life. For the first few months here in Georgia I lived wherever someone had an open room because this community is awesome. Then I went to Romania for the month and when I came back I moved into the house that I signed a lease for. In that room I was able to just say that it’s been hard and it all the sudden had hit me like a sack of bricks.

Now, in the last few weeks the Lord has begun telling me that I can just be still. I don’t have to pack a bag every few weeks and move to another team or move to another house or move to another city. I get to be right here. In our house we have been saying “nesting is resting.” I painted a dresser. We hung pictures in my room to make a gallery wall. My roommates spent countless hours with me over the last few weeks helping me get my room just right. This is the first time I have had my own room in about two years. One that is permanent and not just for a few days. I have only had the capacity to make my room what I want it, the roommates have done quite the miracle of making the rest of the house a home.

Being still probably sounds nice to a lot of people but to someone that has been on the move for a while now this has been like a kid with unending energy trying to sit still in a classroom. There are moments when I just pace around my house or I hop in the car and go to Target. All because I don’t understand this whole “being still” concept. As I have been going through the weeks here in Georgia I have been asking God when things were going to start feeling normal. When would it feel okay that I’m in America with a house and with a car and with freedom? When would I not feel like I’m living in a constant haze and cloudiness? When would I feel settled enough for people to come visit me and it not completely wreck the little bit of settledness I have found? When would I feel like I have a grasp on what intimacy with the Lord looks like in the culture of America?

Jesus is so cool. He ever so gently told me that I’m now in a season where I get to create the life that I want. Normal is a relative term that doesn’t really explain anyone’s life in the same way. I get to create normal. I get to create what I want home to be. What I want rhythms and routines to be. I get to eat healthy. I get to wake up, go to spin class and come home and sit and drink coffee if I want to or I can sleep in an extra hour. I get to spend time with the Lord in the mornings before work or listen to worship on the way to work. I get to journal and paint. I get to hang out with my friends and just celebrate life.

In this wrestle of asking Him when it would feel normal Jesus reminded me that usually when I don’t know the words to a song I change the station very quickly. I love new music but I love music I know the words to more. He then told me He was singing a new song in my life and I just didn’t know the words yet. He challenged me to sit and listen to the words He was singing over me. He asked that I not turn the station. He asked that I trust that it’s a good song.

Life has felt very mechanical for the last few months and that’s okay. Sometimes you have to just push through the motions until it feels different. I love the verse where Paul is talking about spiritual discipline and he says “I beat my body and make it my slave.” That’s what these last few months have been. Training in a way that isn’t fun or easy but in the end it will be worth every bead of sweat and every hard lesson learned. My mechanical motions are starting to feel natural and like I can do them without even thinking and that’s what normal is to me. It’s when we have routine and rhythms with Jesus and ourselves. Ones that keep us in a healthy place both physically and spiritually. I am thankful for a Jesus that sings over me and once I know the words He sings with me. He loves to take the time to teach me so that we can eventually partner and do things together. What a guy.